Private – Keep Out!

I spend time inside my head

when awake or in my bed

it is not a space I share with people freely

If you peeked inside you’d know

that it has to be just so

otherwise you’d think of me a bit too queerly!

§

You are not the only one

to have pondered thereupon

and perhaps some tried returning more than once

Folk have even dared to say

that in every single way

I could easily be classed a stupid dunce

§

But do I really care

if they think I’m not all there

and consider that I have a few loose screws

I care not what they think

I’ll just have another drink

and make stories up as if I were Fox News

The annual check-up

Suppositories and cooling anal sprays

a salve to spread on painful bleeding graze 

Tablets, potions and who really knows

what ails me with that thing that slowly grows

.

This getting old oft has its benefits

but sometimes it can be the bloody pits

Some things grow whilst others swiftly shrink

I ask the doc what do you really think?

.

He’s often noncommittal and he says

What ails you I can only ever guess

His bedside manner is beyond the pale 

I only hope I live to tell the tale!

.

I say “It’s really good to be alive”

Same time next year he says – if you survive!

Advice for married men — bluebird of bitterness

How to help your wife when you retire!

by guest columnist Hal Hickenlooper It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than […]

Advice for married men — bluebird of bitterness

#Writephoto – Dinosaur

• 

Writephoto is a weekly challenge, hosted by KL, where a picture prompt is provided every Thursday and we are invited to create a post… poetry, prose, humour… light or dark, whatever we choose, as long as it is fairly family-friendly.

This week’s prompt post can be found here – 

https://new2writing.wordpress.com/2021/04/15/writephoto-dinosaur/

• 

Wally Mammoth

Standing by the pathway right beside the trees

I espy a mammoth who hasn’t any knees

He doesn’t want to talk at all, perhaps he’s been struck dumb

or maybe he’s just hanging round waiting for his Mum

……………

His colour’s sort of rusty red, his tusks are large and round

His floppy ears can hear it all, every little sound

He’s smiling right across his face, it goes from ear to ear

as if to say to everyone there is no need for fear

……………

He seems to breathe with little grunts, I thought there’d be more noise

Despite his size, and little eyes, he shows tremendous poise

As I approach much nearer he whispers with a hiss

Hello my lovely, come up close, and let me have a kiss!

A to Z of Nonsense

Arbitrary avenues, bellicose bends

Cantilevered caverns, dangerous dens

Every single episode could easily expose

Fancy if you will and gather all the goes

Hurry to the harbour, investigate the Ids

Jump every jerrycan kissing all the kids

Leap over lanterns, many then some more

Nicking all the neaps and offering an oar

Picking up some peppers, quacking in a queue

Running rings around us stirring up the stew

Taking turns to tamper, urging we undock

Voting for the vampires and cooking with a wok

Exiting excitingly yawning yet again

Zeds and zoos and zany clues adds zest we can’t explain

Flease flay your fart

Seen on my morning walk #1

Walking through long grass this morning when I disturbed a young pleasant couple canoodling.

I don’t know who was the most shocked, me, or them!

They disappeared very quickly into nearby woodland, he swearing at the top of his voice, and she screaming loudly.

Another beautiful walk.

 

Damn autocorrect  –  “pheasant”

How did we manage without sex education. — Broadsides – A collection of bits and pieces

I bet you spill your drink whilst reading this very serious article from John!

We didn’t know how to kiss.  No one told us how.  No one showed us what to do.  There was very little on the TV  and the kind of films we went to see on Saturday mornings didn’t have any kissing in them.  Abbott and Costello:  no kissing, Tarzan: no killing, Dean Martin and Jerry […]

How did we manage without sex education. — Broadsides – A collection of bits and pieces

Lundi limerick #100

A lady from Folkestone in Kent

was fêted wherever she went

her ears were pointed

and both knees disjointed

and her back was incredibly bent

 

Folkestone is a port town on the English Channel, in south-east England.  It was an important harbour and shipping port for most of the 19th and 20th centuries.

There has been a settlement in this location since the Mesolithic era. A nunnery was founded by Eanswith, granddaughter of Æthelberht of Kent in the 7th century, who is still commemorated as part of the town’s culture. During the 13th century it subsequently developed into a seaport and the harbour developed during the early 19th century to provide defence against a French invasion, and expanded further after the arrival of the railway in 1843. The harbour’s use has diminished since the opening of the nearby Channel Tunnel and stopping of local ferry services, but still remains in active use.

Sadly, although fêted, the lady was also fated to an early demise from complications due to her bone problems!

Rapid rhyme #27

I’m pretty sure I do not know

where I came from or where to go

I’m of two minds it’s very clear

Should I go or p’raps stay here?