The Rules

Possibly the best blog ever. Especially if you are a Dad with daughters. Do read, have a good laugh, and you may think, like me, “I wish I had this when my little girl was dating.”

Mitigating Chaos

Megan, Elissa & Kelliann, somewhere in Ashville, NC

I decided to re-post this from 2012. It was a hit back then and I am told that it hangs on refrigerators all around the world.

There are many new readers who have never seen it.

The Rules For Dating My Daughters

The photo? Well, that was from Elissa’s “Bachelorette Party” this weekend. They aren’t little girls any longer, but I’m still their Daddy.

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An Intelligent Form Of Illiteracy​

One of those posts when you don’t know whether to laugh, or cry. I hope you can manage a small titter at least!

Mitigating Chaos

If it wasn’t so true and sad, it would be funny.

Actually, it is funny, even though it is sad and true.

As Steve Martin would say, “This guy’s good.”

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Snickers Talks With God

Listen to Snickers. He makes a great deal of sense, probably more than any human!

Mitigating Chaos

Snickers goes “Stream of Consciousness” with God.  His time with us is growing short as at almost 15 years old, his body is starting to fail him.  Some good questions/observations the ol’ boy brings up.

Dear God: It’s me, Snickers.    

 

• Is it on purpose that our names are spelled the same, only in reverse? (God – Dog)
• Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
• When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

• Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?
•  If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still…

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Service Paradigms

This explains so much about modern life!

Mitigating Chaos

   Recalling my Mt. St. Mary’s College, Intro to Sociology class back in 1978, it was the first time I heard the term “Paradigm”. Dr. Chris Smith, asked the class for the definition of the word?  No one seemed to know, so he provided the answer, “Twenty cents.”

***

   Back to the story.

I often become confused when I hear the word ‘Service‘ used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue ‘Service’

United States Postal ‘Service’                                           

Telephone ‘Service’                                           

Cable TV  ‘Service’                                               

Civil ‘Service’                                           

Federal state, city, & public  ‘Service’

Customer ‘Service’

   What they do is not what I thought  ‘Service’ meant.  

 

   But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one said he had hired a bull to  ‘Service’ a few cows.

 

   BAM !!!   It all came into focus.

   Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!!!!!!!!    

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A bent lady, eclipsed by wet ducks?

There was a young lady from Gwent

who found that she came as she went.

She didn’t know why,

that as she passed by,

her back was incredibly bent.

 

She went to the doctors to ask.

“Lost cause” he said, “Go buy a cask.

Drink plenty of sherry

until you are merry,

sit back in the sun and just bask.”

 

She died and was buried at noon.

Some said it was awfully soon.

Some others thought “Why,

when I look at the sky,

can I see both the sun and the moon?”

 

Of course, it is perfectly plain

that we often see ducks in the rain,

and the lady from Gwent,

who came as she went,

was horribly bent and insane!

Twittering Tales #47 – 29 August 2017

It’s time again for Kat Myrman’s wonderful challenge to tax our creative souls. Just take her photo prompt and write a story, inspired by it, in 140 characters or fewer.

 Here is this week’s prompt and my contribution. Check out all the fabulous entries here. For those of a delicate disposition READ NO FURTHER.

These are what they used to get the right dangle.
The scar is fast disappearing so you can hardly notice!
Bollocks, I do so miss them though!

(139 characters)

TOO LATE!

Spitting image

This morning I was talking to my brother in law about my time in the army. It’s not a thing I do very often. When I do, I recall all sorts of odd facts that have been filed in the back of my memory bank.

This afternoon I saw a youth spitting on the pavement, a filthy, dirty habit I abhor, BUT, it did remind me of something I witnessed as a very young trainee soldier, at the age of 16 or 17.

A couple of lads were marching (we were not allowed to walk!) past the drill square (you stepped onto it at your peril, unless undertaking drill practice). One of them spat onto the square.

Immediately there was a terrifying roar of the Regimental Sergeant Major’s stentorian voice.

“You there! PICK THAT UP.”

And he did!

 

From that idle thought this poem popped

 

My mouth is full of spittle and I care no jot or tittle

I am going to spit it out upon the floor.

As my juices flow I find my spittle starts to grow

and, as time passes there is more and more

I know not why it is but my spittle starts to fizz

It is spilling from my mouth and from my nose

So beware if passing by for I’ll spit right in your eye

as I’m covered all in spit from head to toes!

Saturday Smiles

A political lesson from Raili Tanska. I don’t know the lady, but she seems to have a great pedigree, and she certainly brings a smile to my weekend!

soulgifts - Telling Tales

I don’t often venture into politics on my blog,

but this one is a must share.

Thanks Pam  😀

The New Political Symbol:

THE NEW POLITICAL SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the Politicians stance…. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

 Given I’ve started I may as well continue on with the politics 

A Larry Hardiman definition

 “Politics” is derived from the words “poly” meaning “many”, and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking parasites.”

A few words of wisdom from George W Bush

• I think war is a dangerous place.
• Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?
• They misunderestimated me.
• Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it’s also moving through…

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Golden Age Truths

How many of these apply to you? I guarantee that there are more than a few!

A Simple, Village Undertaker

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on #5.  I’m  pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do…

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Twittering Tale #43 – 1 August 2017

It’s time again for Kat Myrman’s wonderful challenge to tax our creative souls. Just take her photo prompt and write a story, inspired by it, in 140 characters or fewer.

Here is this week’s prompt and my contribution. Check out all the fabulous entries here.

A dotted line with a message, “Follow the dots”. Starting at the neck, they now snaked down his stomach to his groin. Almost finished. OOPS!

(140 characters)