Private – Keep Out!

I spend time inside my head

when awake or in my bed

it is not a space I share with people freely

If you peeked inside you’d know

that it has to be just so

otherwise you’d think of me a bit too queerly!

§

You are not the only one

to have pondered thereupon

and perhaps some tried returning more than once

Folk have even dared to say

that in every single way

I could easily be classed a stupid dunce

§

But do I really care

if they think I’m not all there

and consider that I have a few loose screws

I care not what they think

I’ll just have another drink

and make stories up as if I were Fox News

Random facts and a little fiction

• In 1964, 57 years ago today, I reported to Uniacke Barracks in Harrogate, Yorkshire, to begin a three year apprenticeship as an Electronic Engineer, thus beginning my Army career which lasted for 28 years and 151 days
• After 22 years in the army I morphed into a military accountant
• On Monday I watered a sparrow – she was asleep in a bush – I apologised
• I have created a very small wildlife pond – it has been immediately colonised by mosquito larvae
• My wife and I are somehow suffering from multiple mosquito bites

I’m happy and I’m shallow

but sometimes I am deep

I’ll often write best sellers whilst I am fast asleep

The annual check-up

Suppositories and cooling anal sprays

a salve to spread on painful bleeding graze 

Tablets, potions and who really knows

what ails me with that thing that slowly grows

.

This getting old oft has its benefits

but sometimes it can be the bloody pits

Some things grow whilst others swiftly shrink

I ask the doc what do you really think?

.

He’s often noncommittal and he says

What ails you I can only ever guess

His bedside manner is beyond the pale 

I only hope I live to tell the tale!

.

I say “It’s really good to be alive”

Same time next year he says – if you survive!

A Little Alliteration #3

Angry ants ate all the pears

Then attacked the big bad bears

Caught a cat who’d scratched his mate

Dined with dogs a dinner date

Eating eggs, an eagle’s yield

Foxes found in far flung field

Gargantuan goose so gay and golden

Heavenly horses from times olden

Ibex inching across savanna

Jackals jump in funny manner

Kangaroos just kicking sides

Lions lounging in their prides

Manatees just mooching round

Numbats very rarely found

Ostriches with open beaks

Pigs who’ve eaten all the leeks

Quokkas smiling all the time

Rats ate mats because they rhyme

Sealions slithered on the shore

Tigers tired so slept some more

Unicorns said “we exist”

Vultures add them to their list

Whopping whales ate whelks galore

X ray fish bought from the store

Yaks yelled out at those who mattered

Zebras zonked completely shattered!



Earlier episodes of attempted alliteration can be found by clicking on the links below:

First

Second

Third

Advice for married men — bluebird of bitterness

How to help your wife when you retire!

by guest columnist Hal Hickenlooper It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than […]

Advice for married men — bluebird of bitterness

None of us are poets – Spoken Word

A couple of readers have encouraged me to do more Spoken Word Poems. An easy start is to record some of those I’ve already written. Here is Rapid rhyme #30 repeated in glorious surround sound. I hope you enjoy it.  

In case you can’t bear to listen to my voice I have included the words at the bottom.

None of us are poets, it’s very plain to see

we write some words and if they rhyme then it was meant to be

but there again if words don’t rhyme it doesn’t mean it’s prose

It may be verse, or something worse, a finger up your nose

*

None of us are poets, it’s why I wrote these words

to prove to you it’s very true that cows are seen in herds

A bull will come along to serve, that is his given task

He’s making love to cows all day and doesn’t have to ask

*

None of us are poets, I think I’ve proved that fact

but have a go, it’s fun to do, just sign the poet’s pact

Stand on your head, write with your toes, and sing a happy ditty

For those of you who think you know the rhyming word is kitty

#Writephoto – Dinosaur

• 

Writephoto is a weekly challenge, hosted by KL, where a picture prompt is provided every Thursday and we are invited to create a post… poetry, prose, humour… light or dark, whatever we choose, as long as it is fairly family-friendly.

This week’s prompt post can be found here – 

https://new2writing.wordpress.com/2021/04/15/writephoto-dinosaur/

• 

Wally Mammoth

Standing by the pathway right beside the trees

I espy a mammoth who hasn’t any knees

He doesn’t want to talk at all, perhaps he’s been struck dumb

or maybe he’s just hanging round waiting for his Mum

……………

His colour’s sort of rusty red, his tusks are large and round

His floppy ears can hear it all, every little sound

He’s smiling right across his face, it goes from ear to ear

as if to say to everyone there is no need for fear

……………

He seems to breathe with little grunts, I thought there’d be more noise

Despite his size, and little eyes, he shows tremendous poise

As I approach much nearer he whispers with a hiss

Hello my lovely, come up close, and let me have a kiss!

A to Z of Nonsense

Arbitrary avenues, bellicose bends

Cantilevered caverns, dangerous dens

Every single episode could easily expose

Fancy if you will and gather all the goes

Hurry to the harbour, investigate the Ids

Jump every jerrycan kissing all the kids

Leap over lanterns, many then some more

Nicking all the neaps and offering an oar

Picking up some peppers, quacking in a queue

Running rings around us stirring up the stew

Taking turns to tamper, urging we undock

Voting for the vampires and cooking with a wok

Exiting excitingly yawning yet again

Zeds and zoos and zany clues adds zest we can’t explain

Rapid Rhyme #36

Woe is me

My tummy’s hurting quite a lot

I may not last the night

My forehead’s getting very hot

My chest is feeling tight

I think my arm is dropping off

It really feels quite weird

And now I have a tickly cough

And spittle in my beard

I’ll p’raps survive till Monday morn

But maybe I will not

I’ll just sit here, alone, forlorn

And very slowly rot!

*I don’t really have a beard!*

Thin Skin – A linked limerick

Such a marvellous thing is my skin

It helps keep my blood and guts in

It keeps the rain out

But now there’s no doubt

It is getting increasingly thin

---

Maybe I’ve just turned a page

It’s a battle my body must wage

I develop strange hues

And so easily bruise

It’s something to do with my age

Now I’ve started you may not be able to stop me!