You’re Going To Kill Me

You may want to kill Ward Clever after having read this superb piece. That is if you haven’t died laughing!

Ward Clever

Warning: Reading this story will cause mental anguish and distress, blindness and rage. Consult a doctor before reading it.

Shelly Holeinfence had just changed her name from something ridiculous. She did this to win the affections of the object of her desire, or one of his friends. It didn’t work, so she moved deep into the Blue Ridge Mountains. Not, like, under them or anything, you moron, but a fair distance from any civilization.

And that’s when she saw the elves.

She saw them out her window one day, dancing in a fire. And a few seconds later, jumping around and howling in pain as the brighter elves danced around the fire while EMTs (elven medical technicians) attended to the burns. She tried to stay hidden from the elves, but they knew she was there, because it was difficult to hide a cabin in the middle of the mountains.

Over…

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Twittering Tale #34 – 12 June 2017

It’s time again for Kat Myrman’s wonderful challenge to tax our creative souls. Just take her photo prompt and write a story, inspired by it, in 140 characters or fewer.

pexels-photo-208450

Here is this week’s prompt and my contribution. Check out all the fabulous entries here.

Deirdrie was surprised, and more than a little disappointed, that Charles had misinterpreted her suggestion of a game of hide the sausage!

(138 characters)

Quid Pro Quo

images-18
I gave her quid
she gave pro quo
my new pet squid
she loves me so
she gives me hugs
with all her arms
with gentle tugs
she shows her charms
she loves me so
I’ve said before
she lets me know
she loves me more
she sucks my neck
she sucks my sides
but what the heck
she goes and hides
behind the chair
behind the shed
but she’s still there
I see her head
she likes to think
she’s one of us
she writes with ink
and takes the bus
there’s jealousy
from my dear wife
she fails to see
and gives me strife
she thinks I pay
too much attention
she doesn’t say
she fails to mention
she thinks I’ve gone
right off the grid
suggests a swan
instead of squid
but that would hurt
she’d get upset
if I did flirt
with another pet
I have to go
my squid awaits
she lets me know
that we’re just mates
but I know truth
I really know
my squid called Ruth
she loves me so!

Tantalising Triple #1

I stood on one leg to get dressed,

my doctor was very impressed.

I fell to the floor,

but wait, there is more.

I found that I’d ruptured my vest!

 

My band has been banned from the stage,

our instruments locked in a cage.

I spoke to the policeman,

he’ll only release them

if I promise that I’ll act my age.

 

The verses above are not linked.

They came out that way as I thinked.

You, perhaps would say thought,

but I’ve always been taught

you should write as if you’d just blinked!

Mama Said So

The old ones are the best, and that includes the Simple, Village Undertaker. With apologies to Ray!

A Simple, Village Undertaker

Unknown.jpegA certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
 

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