An incredible itch, a rubber glove, and a very large penis

Now that I’ve grabbed your attention I can reveal that the following are real instances of encounters with patients by emergency staff.


A very smart looking lady, who was 106, presented with an incredibly itchy back. She told the doctor that she had no one to scratch it for her and asked for his help. Thinking that she must be confused the doctor started assessing her capacity, asking various questions. She sailed through the answers and, on the final one “Who sits on the throne?” she replied “ Doctor, it’s Queen Elizabeth the second. Now are you going to help me or not?”

The doctor decided he could not deny so venerable a lady some relief so set to giving her back a good scratch. She was rather deaf and started screaming “Up. up…. down, down…Oh yes!” At this stage the A & E sister flung back the curtains!


A doctor’s first experience of sewing up a very large cut on the head of an unconscious drunk went very well, despite the doctor being incredibly anxious with shaking hands. The closure was perfect, apart from the fact that he had stitched his glove to the top of the man’s head. The nurse had to leave the room in hysterics. They did not tell the patient!


A very sweet 90 year old lady had suffered a fall. She told the nurse that her husband had died about a year ago. The nurse asked what she missed about him the most, expecting a reply of companionship, or someone to hug. The lady said, “He had a lovely great big penis, and he knew just what to do with it.”


7 thoughts on “An incredible itch, a rubber glove, and a very large penis

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